Change of Direction

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I had full intentions of doing a second part to my Moab trip, which obviously hasn’t happened, so I’m going to incorporate some of what I had in mind for that post into this one, including my first video uploaded to YouTube, yeah first one I know. I’m a photographer, not a videographer, but did this in one take with no editing, haha. The content of the video has some bearing to this topic.

I have never interacted with someone who has said “my life has turned out just the way I thought it would” have you? So having detours whether large or small are a part of life and a part of everyone’s lives. I haven’t blogged lately because I’ve had quite a few things pop up that were tremendous obstacles for me to overcome. There oddly isn’t even one person in my life that knows the whole of what I’ve been experiencing or trying to manage. And that could be part of the problem I was having, I didn’t have that one person that I can tell anything to without worry of being judged. That is something that I hope to overcome and/or acquire.

Over the past few months I have done some serious soul searching, all while trying to manage navigating through being a single mom again and a widow. The cycle of grief is never ending and can pop up its ugly head at any time and in many unexpected ways. Ketan would have been celebrating his 46th birthday on the 5th, and the time between my birthday and his was extremely difficult on me. I could be on top of the world laughing about memories one moment, then start missing him and crying. I am happy that I have been able to process the trauma of that night. However, I think I have been expecting way too much of myself and have allowed myself to get discouraged when I haven’t lived up to my own expectations. I was, at so many times, ready to give up on so many aspects of my life. I anticipated an active dating life while the kids were gone for the summer, being super busy with photography, going on many hikes that I’ve never done. I thought my photography business was going to be significantly more busy than what it has been, with the hopes that I would be able to do that full time and not have to go back to work in ophthalmology.

However, if my business had picked up as I had hoped, I wouldn’t be on the path I am now. I’ve shared this news with a few people but will now make it public, which helps with accountability right? I have decided to go back to school (starting next Spring or Fall) with the intention and end goal of going to optometry school and becoming an optometrist. Age 40 isn’t too old to start a doctorate program right, haha? The ironic thing will be that I will becoming presbyopic while in optometry school. I guess that will be my contribution to my classmates to help with near manifests! I won’t however be going to school full time, being the only money maker in the household mama’s gotta work. So unlike when I was going to school in Spokane, I will be working full time, plus school. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to accomplish the feat, but know if I rely on the Lord I will be able to do it.

On a slight tangent: Anyone who knows me knows that I love the UK (although I’ve never been there) so I guess its an uninformed infatuation, like at the beginning of a relationship. I’ve said I would love to move there and I can guarantee I would never be bored. Who knows with the royal and aristocratic blood in me, I might be accepted into British society and find myself a single Lord or Baron of some sorts and become a Lady or Baroness. Do you think Henry VIII being my 15th great grandfather, as well as many other direct royal ancestors, count as anything these days? I recently started looking at Optometry schools in the UK, and learned it is a bachelor degree there, instead of a doctorate here. With a few more advanced courses under my belt, like biochemistry and higher math, along with my current AAS degree and work experience, it appears I would meet the entry requirements for a couple of the universities I’m looking at. Now before you get all excited for me and thinking oh yay, I’ll know someone who lives in the UK and can stay with to save on hotel costs, stop. If it was just me and I didn’t have my kids, I would be pursuing this track vigorously and enthusiastically. Granted my youngest has only 4 years left before graduating. Oh wait, she is so brilliant she could graduate early if she wanted, lol.

For now I’m focusing on studying for my COA so I will have an easier time finding a job as well as better pay. I’m hoping its the same scenario as 2 years ago when I interviewed here I got a job offer on the spot with each practice. I’m not going to be actively dating and focus on current friendships and family relationships. As I begin my track of going back to school, just as we learn line upon line and precept upon precept with the gospel and everything else in life, so will my life and path unfold before me. Who knows I might be able to live my dreams sooner than I think, as life never turns out the way we plan or hope for. I’m grateful for personal revelation and for the knowledge that the Lord and Heavenly Father love me enough to give me guidance. No matter what path my life takes I know that I will learn and grow, just as I did while trying to find Ring Arch.

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